


equus

by carminesunset



Series: of horses and quiches [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 12:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17866955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carminesunset/pseuds/carminesunset
Summary: When Neil quits his job to start a new life in the countryside, he discovers that he has abilities that will change his life -- for better or for worse.





	equus

**Author's Note:**

> [I highly recommend listening to this as you read.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiiJxpJuCsA)  
> This fic is unbeta'd.

After ten years of mind-numbing work at an office, Neil Josten was ready to leave for greener pastures. And he means that literally because he was currently packing his belongings in a suitcase, ready to head to a ranch in the countryside.

The ranch owner, David Wymack, was a former client of his, and he offered Neil a place to stay while he figured out what to do with his life -- not free of charge, of course. As a condition of him staying, mostly at Neil's insistence, Neil would help out around the ranch. In particular, he would help out with the outside work and in the stables.

He's never worked on a ranch, but this would be the first time in a long time that he was actually excited for the future. He already could not wait for the burn of sore muscles and sweat dripping down his back as the sun beat down overhead. Running on a treadmill would never beat a long run in nature; since he moved to the city, he hadn't had the luxury of catching a jog outside, especially because of the shady area he lives in. He paid for a membership at a fancy gym, but he hated the vibe there.

As he stuffed the last of his stuff in the duffel bag, he looked around his tiny condo for anything else he left behind. All the furniture came included, and his lease was expiring soon. He already paid off the bills for the rest of it, so all he had to do was clean and pack. Finding nothing left, he looked back inside his bedroom. It was sad that the majority of his possessions fit inside a suitcase and a small duffel bag. The only thing that wouldn't fit was his trusty coffee-maker, Crispy, named after the way his tongue feels when he takes a sip of the coffee too soon after it is made.

Neil hefted the duffel bag over his shoulder and rolled his suitcase over to the door. Even though this place was never really a home for him, he was going to miss it. Even through all the rat infestations, the neighbors having loud sex, and the broken air conditioner. It still kept him mostly warm at night. "Goodbye," he said softly and closed the door behind him. And then flailed when it bounced off his suitcase with a dull thud. He righted himself and closed it again.

He left the keys with the landlady who patted his cheek and sent him off with a quiche. After accepting it and leaving, he made a mental note to toss it out when he filled his tank. He wasn't sure if the fumes would kill him, but eating it would definitely give him food poisoning. He knew from first hand experience. Terribly-made food or not, he did admit that the landlady was at least always very kind to him.

The ranch was four hours away; it had been so long since he had truly left the city, that he had ended up getting lost several times along the way, of course with a brief stop to toss out the quiche. He didn't feel sick from its fumes, but he was sure that there was some type of evil energy radiating from it. He felt relieved to get rid of it. By the time he reached the ranch, it was late afternoon instead of lunchtime like he had planned. When he drove up the gravel driveway, Wymack was waiting for him.

"Neil," greeted Wymack. "It's good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too." They shook hands, and Wymack's firm handshake was exactly as he remembered.

"Let me show you to your room so you can drop off your stuff. This all?"

Neil scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Yeah, I don't really have much..."

"That's fine. Here." Wymack hefted up the suitcase easily, leaving the duffel bag and Crispy to Neil. As they walked to the front door, Neil took in the ranch house. He could tell that the outside had once been painted blue; now it was a faded grey-blue, but it was obvious that Wymack kept it in good condition. Past the house he could just make out a field and a set of stables. There was even a red barn.

Wymack left him to unpack in his room, and he took the time to relax for a moment. He was nervous. For the first time in years he was just  _doing_ something he wanted instead of wishing for it. He was grabbing Destiny in the balls and saying, "Fuck you, if I want to retire to the countryside, I sure as hell will!" He was giddy.

He nudged his suitcase over to the foot of the bed and flopped down onto its covers. The blankets were a little scratchy, but he could tell that they were freshly washed and were warm. He closed his eyes.

A light knock on the door jerked Neil from his light doze. "Yes?" He called.

"You hungry? If so, I have..." Here Wymack paused to think for a moment. "... I have cereal and maybe milk. We can go in town to buy some food tomorrow morning."

Neil opened the door. "Thanks, but I'm not hungry right now." Wymack looked relieved for a moment and then scrubbed a hand through his beard.

He nodded. "Good, good. Put on some sturdy boots -- you brought a pair like I had asked, right? -- and meet me out back. And don't forget to wear clothes you don't mind getting dirty."

Wymack left, and Neil hurried to change into jeans and an old shirt. He tugged on the boots and met with Wymack in the back.

"So what will I be doing today?" Neil asked, as they began to walk toward the fields.

"Nothing much for today. Let's just focus on getting you acquainted with the animals here." Wymack pointed out the cows and the chicken coop. "I've got three cows and three longhorns here. They're pretty friendly, so don't worry about them. I'll introduce you to them later. And watch out for that fat hen, there: she can be nasty when she's trying to fly away. You'll have some fun catching them all." Neil stumbled when Wymack patted his back roughly.

Finally, they made it into the stables. Neil perked up at this. He had never seen a horse up close before! All he knew was that some breeds were monstrously tall. 

"I've only got one horse right now. Before him, I never really used the stables except for storage. His jockey abandoned him, but I don't have any experience training race horses. So I ended up taking him in..." Wymack trailed off as they stepped inside the stable. It smelled like grass and what Neil thought might be horse. He covered his nose discreetly. Wymack saw this and laughed.

"You'll get used to it in no time. Here, let's go ahead and meet him. He might seem unfriendly at first, but I'm sure with time he'll open up to you." He led Neil to a stall. What he saw made him stiffen in shock. He wasn't sure that horses were supposed to look like...  _that..._  

Worst of all, Wymack seemed to see absolutely nothing wrong with the horse. The horse was a horse, yes, except instead of a horse's head, it was a human's head. The human part of the horse had blonde hair and hazel eyes. And freckles. Neil noted faintly that, if he were to ignore the rest of the horse, the human face would be attractive. He pinched himself. No change.

Noticing Neil looking at him, the horse raised an eyebrow. It was so...  _human_. Yet it was a  _horse._

Wymack ran a hand down the horse's flank, and its human face looked unimpressed. "His name is Andrew." At that, a faint memory flicked on inside of Neil, but he couldn't quite grasp it -- the shock was too much.

"Uh. N-nice to meet you, Andrew," Neil stuttered.

"He likes carrots. Later if you'd like, you can feed him some."

"Sure..." Wymack nodded at him and began going through the general gist of taking care of the stable. Neil was definitely going to have nightmares after this.

"... and that's it," Wymack said. Neil barely heard any of that, preoccupied as he was with the horse. He was still staring wide-eyed at the horse-person. "Any questions? Concerns? Anything else you need to know?"

"You know what I need? I need a smoke," said the horse. Human. Whatever.

"You need a smoke?" asked Neil incredulously. Was that quiche radioactive? Is he like Spider-man, except his only superpower is that he sees horses as human? Is he going to become _Quiche-man?!_

"I don't smoke," said Wymack matter-of-factly. Neil opened his mouth to say, _uh_   _no, I was talking to your talking horse man dude guy,_ but Wymack had already turned away to walk back to the house. "C'mon kid. I'll show you around the kitchen. I'm not much of a cook myself, so feel free to help yourself to whatever. Just clean up after yourself."

As Neil followed Wymack back to the ranch house, he glanced once more behind him. The horse -- human? human-horse?  _horse-man?_ \-- stared back at him with an uninterested look.

The next morning, Neil woke up bright and early to the crow of roosters. For the first time in forever, he felt completely energized and not dreading the day to come. He stretched and jumped out of bed, quickly changing and brushing his teeth. He ended up splashing water on his face instead of taking a shower. When he got downstairs, two bowls of cereal were on the kitchen table. Wymack was sniffing a jug of milk thoughtfully.

"I think this might be expired," said Wymack sadly. "You okay with dry cereal?"

"Sure," replied Neil, and they ate. 

"Would you like to feed Andrew today?" Wymack gathered the bowls to wash them. Neil gestured to Wymack to let him dry the bowls. Hearing Andrew's name again reminded him forcefully of the creature in the barn.

"Uh..." But that had to have been a figment of his imagination. The quiche addled his brain, that's all. "Sure. Actually, I have a question. It's a, uh. Poetic question. Philosophical."

"Well, I can't say that I'll be able to answer it... but go ahead."

Neil struggled for a moment with what to say. "Well. How would you describe a horse?"

Wymack looked at him oddly for a moment. "A horse is a horse."

"Yes. Okay but specifically, how would you describe a horse's... head?"

Wymack's brow crinkled and Neil cringed internally. He could feel his face flushing. "Long, hairy, and with eyes on the sides of their heads." Okay. So that meant horses are horses and he hadn't fallen into an alternate universe where horses normally had human faces. Great. It was definitely a dream, then! "Why do you ask?"

Neil scrambled for an excuse. "Uh -- I was just... debating whether or not to call horse heads long or tall."

"Right..." He trailed off into an awkward silence and Neil cursed himself internally. Why the hell was he so weird sometimes? "Well, if you want, I set out a bucket of carrots for you to feed him." Wymack pointed over his shoulder to a bucket by the back where there were indeed carrots. "Just don't feed him too many at once. He gets tired. Feed him a few and then talk to him for a little bit."

"Talk to him?"

"It irritates him enough that he regains his energy," Wymack said simply.

"Okay..."

"I'll be tending to the cows if you need me." And Wymack was out the door. Neil stared at the carrots. A part of him didn't want to go to the stables, but he also knew that if he didn't, Wymack might become disappointed in him. He grabbed the bucket and set off for the stables.

When he walked inside the stable, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dim light. All he could see from Andrew's stall was just a horse's tail, twitching back and forth. Maybe...?

He stepped forward. The horse turned.

Facing him was a human face.

"Is that for me?" Andrew asked, face pointed toward the bucket. He had in his mouth a cigarette. Were horses able to have cigarettes? Neil wondered. How did Andrew even light one up without human hands?

"Yeah..." Neil lifted the bucket to show Andrew.

"Hm." Andrew stared at him pointedly. Neil was confused for a moment until he realized what he was supposed to do.

"Oh!" Awkwardly, he took a carrot and handed it to Andrew. He was unsure of where to point it, but as soon as the carrot got near, it was snatched from his hand with a pair of human teeth. Neil watched wide-eyed as the carrot was devoured in mere moments. He handed him another. Again, the carrot was devoured with ferocity. The cigarette was miraculously still in his mouth.

"So... what are you?" Neil asked hesitantly.

"I'm a racing horse. Duh." Right. So no answers there. 

"Ah, right. I heard that you don't have a jockey anymore."

Andrew narrowed his eyes at him. "Why are you asking? Are you offering?"

"Oh, no --" before he knew it, Andrew leaped over the stall door, pushing him back against the opposite wall. His heart fluttered in his chest. Andrew's human face was very, very attractive. "Whoa, wait!"

The horse trapped him against the wall with a hoof beside his head. Neil was pretty sure that this wasn't how horse anatomy worked. Andrew bent forward, his face dangerously close to Neil's.

"Why don't you become my jockey? We could be brilliant together." There was suddenly pressure against his chest, and Andrew backed away. The stable was rapidly filling with water! "Take my hoof!" Andrew cried, but it was too late. The rush of water swept them away from each other. Neil had swallowed water and his chest burned for air, as --

Neil jerked awake with a splutter and squinted in the rays of light that streamed in through the window. Sir, who had been curled up on his chest, leaped away, taking his breath when she jumped on his belly. He took in his surroundings as he gathered his breath once more. Beside him was a lump under the covers with a tuft of blonde hair peeking out from under the edge. Cautiously, he pushed down the covers to reveal a sleeping Andrew.

"Hrmng," said Andrew and tugged at the covers to pull it over him again.

"Thank god you're not a horse," sighed Neil, relieved.

"Whuh?" asked Andrew.

Neil sank back onto his pillow. "Just go back to sleep, babe."

The dream had left him sweaty, so he tugged off his shirt, throwing it across the room.

"Y're picking that up," mumbled Andrew.

"Of course." Neil planted a kiss on Andrew's head, who swatted him away.

He's so glad that was all a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS JUST A JOKE YES THIS IS BASED OFF OF THE [MY HORSE PRINCE VISUAL NOVEL]()  
> IM SORRY HAHAHA ~~no im not~~  
>  (i'm on tumblr @mokuuton if you wanna laugh at me or smth)  
> I just imagine a horse-shaped shadow peeking in through the window, but all you can see is its darkened silhouette.


End file.
